When a parent requires care later in life it can put a strain on sibling relationships and often an opportunity to create a family plan is missed. Advanced planning and having critical conversations before the need arises is the key to creating harmony later in your journey.

For some families, it’s clear which of the siblings will step in and assume the caregiving role. But it’s very important not to assume that just because one sibling isn’t working full-time or because one lives down the street and has been helping with a few little errands already, that they are necessarily volunteering to be the primary caregiver on an ongoing basis. One thing is for sure, when caregiving gets underway, the situation can get complicated without a plan in place.

As your parents age and if you are noticing changes in their ability to manage by themselves, it’s a good time to start conversations with your siblings. While I would always recommend getting your parents involved in discussions about their advancing needs so you are clear on their goals and wishes, you may want to start with a conversation just amongst the siblings. Be prepared that not all siblings will have the same response to your parent’s increasing needs and some may use denial as a coping mechanism. The idea that Mom or Dad has a dementia diagnosis, or that they need more care, can be overwhelming for some and those not as close to the situation may need more information about what your parent/s need. Don’t only cite your opinions but gather information from the doctor or other health professionals.

As you broach this conversation as siblings, it can be helpful to lay down a few ground rules. First, try to move beyond the lifelong roles and labels that you all have always played in your family system (“the responsible one”, “the screw-up”, etc.). For instance, the oldest daughter does not automatically have to take the lead, and the sibling without children might be the most nurturing caregiver. Try not to carry all the baggage from your years as a family into this new caregiving landscape and remember that it might be a good time to start with some fresh perspectives and keep your parents’ needs as the focus of the conversation.

As you discuss the caregiving responsibilities as siblings, keep in mind that not every person has to help at the same time. Make sure that each sibling is encouraged to be honest about their current bandwidth to help and avoid placing judgement or assuming that all help must come in the same form. One sibling may have more time to contribute, one may choose to contribute financially, and one may choose to help later. If you are choosing to share caregiving responsibilities, utilize each other’s strengths as you divide the tasks. Perhaps the sister who is the accountant would be the best person to take care of the finances, and the brother who teaches school could cover more of the care in the summer months, etc.

If it is decided that one sibling is going to assume primary caregiving responsibility, then it is essential that the other siblings learn how best to support them. Often just asking “What can I do to help?” or telling them, “Let me know if you need help,” isn’t enough. You may need to be more specific about what you can do to help, “How about if I take Mom to get her hair done this week?” Sometimes the most important help might not be doing anything at all but simply being a reliable and supportive listener for the caregiving sibling who may need a safe place to vent.

Every family will face the challenges of parent care differently and each sibling will bring their own dynamic to the situation, but with honest, open, and early communication on the topic, you can hopefully reach alignment with your siblings.